Here’s To New Beginnings
“The hardest step she took was to blindly trust in who she was” – Atticus
Three years ago, there was a time where everything around me looked the same, but I didn’t feel like myself anymore. Which, who was that person anyway?
I’ve searched and pondered my whole life on who I am, what I want to be, and always struggling with the thought of never truly knowing myself. It’s been this silent battle that’s gone on endlessly. Always lingering in the back of my mind.
These last years I finally took the steps at finding who that person was and becoming who I’m meant to be.
And before you wonder, no, no it wasn’t easy to get here.
(This quote explains perfectly how it feels to finally see yourself)
I went through trial after trial in 2023. A medical issue that took up most of that year, recovering from a major elective surgery, realized I wasn’t happy at my job, and making plans to move from a home we’d known for twelve years. I was scrambling trying to piece myself back together-mentally and physically. So, going into year 2024 I was ready to lean back into normalcy and adventure. Declaring this would be my year. While working towards gaining back some of my lost confidence.
Though towards the end of 2023 a past persona had returned back. It was sudden and it had been years. Someone I had been very emotionally connected to at one point in time. I thought it’d boost the confidence I was trying to regain, but it left me confused. It reopened old wounds and sadness I thought had long been sealed. It did the exact opposite and instead of a feeling empowered – I was left with far more stirred emotions. Past memories now clawing their way to the present – feelings I thought I left behind me.
That was the breaking point.
I felt out of body- not like myself. That moment of a repeating past cycle finally caused the crack to fully implode. It put me back in an abandon place. I couldn’t smile, everything hurt, and sorrow took over. I was so heartbroken over a boy, life, career, health – I just knew I felt
everything.
Now I know we have moments like this continuously throughout life, but I knew that this time it felt different.
I was like a functioning zombie going through life trying to feel “normal”. I tried to mask like it was all okay. Hoping staying in denial would revert the pain out of me. I made breakfast, took out the dog, ran errands, went to work, but I still couldn’t fight the empty feeling. Every action I did I could feel the lump form in my throat. I was just so filled with despair it just kept overcoming me. I was trying to feel okay again, but nothing helped.
I was in a depressive state, and no one knew.
I wouldn’t have thought staying in to watch movies would awaken a part of me.
But my turning point was watching Eat, Pray, Love.
As cliche as it may seem, it reminded me that I am in control of this life. My life. If I wanted change, I’d need to face my fears and do just that. Little by little I started to see colors again. No, the tears didn’t magically stop. They continued, but with a renewed purpose.
I hold all the power.
“Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.” – Elizabeth Gilbert
Like Elizabeth I started the journey of inner healing and self-discovery.
So, I ate and began to cherish the food intended to nurture my body. Realizing it’s okay to enjoy even the simplest things life has to offer.
Then I prayed – reflecting on the light rather than the darkness that was consuming me.
Finally, I loved. I ventured inside discovering someone new – and I wanted nothing more than to make her feel loved.
It’s only now that I knew I had to go through those emotions in order to be the person I am today. I was allowing myself to feel every little thing I kept hidden. My anger, fears, worries, my past, unsaid words, and said words. Embracing every emotion allowed me to heal parts of me I had no idea was still damaged.
In what felt like the longest weeks of my life I leaned into my faith to hold me together. Not knowing that my prayers were being answered. My prayers of strength, healing, and change. With faith I began to rebuild creating space for someone new.
This was my test.
I asked for strength, so I was given a reason to be strong. I asked for healing, so I had to revisit my past and see that it still was affecting me. I asked for change, but I had to rid myself of a mindset -a version of me- that was no longer servicing me. All in order for me to reach my next steps.
I was so lost, but my tears and prayers would soon be heard.
I knew I was intentionally placed in isolation. Ironically the number of weeks I was in a depressed state it rained consistently those weeks. Feeding my need to just cry and stay in the dark. So, I did and it led me to watching the movie that sparked something within me.
It was like watching myself. I too was on a voyage of following a new pathway that created a centered life.
I took a “trip” and dwelled into transforming just like Elizabeth. Daily prayers, meditation every day to clear my mind, and I would affirm the new energy entering my life.
Suddenly, I was back to writing and drawing. Tapping into the passions that made me feel.
It didn’t happen as fast as I liked, but I had a newfound confidence, creativity, and happiness.
I finally felt free.
Once I allowed peace into my heart and mind it truly was liberating. All my worries began to feel like fleeting specs. When I took a moment to sit and look within, there were several fragments I still held so tightly too – fracturing myself in the process. I had to let go.
It was that moment, those tears, that led me to finally take control of my life.
The first step to change starts within us.
Somewhere along that path was the idea to create a Peace of Mind. The intention of sharing the adventure of healing. To build a community that uplifts one another and let you know that you are not alone. Because you will not be, we are in this together.
I don’t have all the answers.
What I do have is my heart, and that is what this blog will be.
“You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestation of your own blessings.”- Elizabeth Gilbert
I noticed how much I did for others and how little I gave back to me. Fitting into plans they had placed me in and listening to their opinions.
Now I’m choosing to show up for the life I envision. Even if I have to start from scratch. No one will understand yet, but I’m making my own new beginning.
Just as Elizabeth in Eat, Pray, Love I too was seeing life through another lens. Unfortunately, not by back packing months abroad, but at home in my own sanctuary (my bedroom) I was able to become in tune with myself. Deciding to listen to what it is that my soul was saying, and it was saying it was ready for
Change.
If you ever found yourself starting over, or you would like to, welcome friends. We can continue to heal together.
This is just the beginning.
Good things lie ahead of us.
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